Author: Howard

“Day By Day”

As a kid I saw “Godspell” on Broadway. I loved the music, dance, and story. Today I am old and ill. A reader asked what causes me to suffer. I won’t bore you with a long list of illnesses. I suffer greatly with several painful and terminal illnesses. Despite pain medications I am always in pain. At best the pain is managed to level 7 of 10. The average pain level is 9.

I appreciate all your support! I am frequently homebound. Your emails, comments, likes and occasional cards improve my attitude, ease pain and help me feel not alone.

Everyday I wake approaching things with the best possible attitude. At the end of the day I am at the top level of the pain scale. Each morning I also evaluate whether or not I can go on from here. “Day by Day” I choose to live or die.

Healing & Moving

I’m starting to heal from the fall 2 days ago. Black & blue, bruises, cuts, worsening headache and neck pain all contribute to making this fall a bad one. I see the doctor tomorrow (Thursday); I want to ask him about Hospice Palliative Care. There are many things wrong with me; each one of them will end my life. Hospice requires a single illness diagnosis capable of ending my life within the next 6 months in order to qualify for “terminal care.”

My body doesn’t move the way I would expect anymore. When I stand from sitting I need to put my legs against the front of the chair and slowly rise. As I’m standing my legs quiver; I’m never sure whether or not I’ll be standing or falling back into the chair. I no longer can stand without something to lean on. Standing in the middle of a room is impossible; I am guaranteed to fall. Walking happens with a cane or walker. Rising from sleeping requires rollin onto my side, working my feet onto the floor and using my arms as a lever to prop me into position to stand. Bottom line: moving doesn’t “happen.” Moving is a lot of work!

During my last visit with the doctor he told me to: “live life life until you can’t live anymore!” I needed to reevaluate how I live. I’m working on it. I appreciate any suggestions you, my reader, would have on new hobbies I might enjoy given my limitations. Please leave any suggestions in comments. I don’t display comments; feel free to be honest.

Very Bad Fall

I fell very hard in the shower today. I hit my back on the shower chair twice, hit my head on the front wall of the shower, cut myself in a bunch of places, hurt my neck and am sore all over my body.

This wasn’t as bad as the fall in February but very close. This makes the 3rd fall in the last 7 days.

I’m distraught! I don’t know where to go from here. Part of me wishes I had stayed on the floor, not gotten up and waited to die. Now, I’m back in my chair waiting to die. I’m very grateful for the last 2 good days. I wish I had died.

Great Days

The past 2 days I’ve felt great! I can’t explain it and honestly can’t explain why. In one day I: thoroughly vacuumed the house, cleaned the house, went shopping, and had dinner out. This is huge for me. I see the doctor on Thursday and will be sure to tell him how things are going.

Charlie is a whore! He has learned how to work me. He sits on the chair with me during breakfast stairing at me with those big, sad eyes. I can’t help but give-in to him and share some eggs. Once the eggs are finished he very slowly leaves the chair, stretching as he shows me his hind quarters.

I’m very much looking forward to our good friends/family visiting at the end of this week. We planned to visit them earlier in the Summer; illness caused the cancellation of those trips. I’m looking forward to seeing them, catching-up and making plans.

I’m Finished

I tried the scheduling of medications and treatments I wrote about in a previous post. It worked – for 36 hours. The conclusion I reached is that I’m finished. No more new doctors, no more ER visits, no more trying new medications, and, no more taking medications that sustain my life.

Beginning tonight I began taking only pain management medication. Given the medications I was taking for very serious conditions I expect and hope this decision will have a direct impact on my longevity.

Tuesday Was a Good Day

I had a normal day today! Woo Hoo! I was able to successfully manage pain all day today. I set alarms for all medications and for testing blood sugar and treating high blood sugars with Insulin. I’m going to set this up as a “normal” routine and see how it goes.

Monday & Tuesday were Amazon’s Prime sale days. I bought 2 new Echo Shows for free. By trading in the old units and taking advantage of the sale prices I was astounded to find both upgrades were free. I’m already using the Echo Show 5 and like it very much. It’s much smaller than the Echo Show 1 but has major PRIVACY IMPROVEMENTS. The first thing I did was close the camera cover. It’s a manual switch that slides to cover the camera. I’m using this unit as my “alarm clock” so the last thing I need is the camera spying on me. I also automated the flushing of the units browser every 4 hours (this was done with some pretty cool Linux Shell Scripting).

Pain Eased-Up

Monday afternoon the pain started easing-up. The Pancreas calmed down and allowed me to relax a bit. Pain has: physical, emotional, psychological, and social consequences. I haven’t been able to leave the house for 5 days. Add “cabin fever” to all of the other issues.

I don’t know where to go with all these issues. I wish I could have a normal life, do normal things, etc. I can no longer pretend. I can only hope people understand.

Thank you for the comments you leave on the Blog – I can’t express how much they help.

Night Again

The house is quiet again. I’m back in my chair. Pain is constant and keeps me from thinking clearly. I have no answers. I have no purpose. Life has no meaning.

I rode BART into the City for work. The hours flew by. Cherie and I would take a break to walk over to the small but good sushi restaurant to pick-up lunch. I usually ordered a spicy tuna bowl with extra spicy sauce. We always brought lunch back to the office and ate at our desks. Cherie and I met many years ago at a different company. We stayed together through several jobs; our relationship lasted longer than most marriages. I miss you Cherie.

I’m back in my chair feeling very sad. It hardly seems my life was once so different and better. I’m tired but there is no rest, just pain, throbbing sharp stabbing pain.