I fell very hard in the shower today. I hit my back on the shower chair twice, hit my head on the front wall of the shower, cut myself in a bunch of places, hurt my neck and am sore all over my body.
This wasn’t as bad as the fall in February but very close. This makes the 3rd fall in the last 7 days.
I’m distraught! I don’t know where to go from here. Part of me wishes I had stayed on the floor, not gotten up and waited to die. Now, I’m back in my chair waiting to die. I’m very grateful for the last 2 good days. I wish I had died.
It’s 3:40 in the morning and I’m awake again. Sharp, stabbing pain woke me out of a deep sleep. I try desperately to fall back to sleep with no success. This is normal. It shouldn’t be. I’m awake again. My mind runs through my vitals. I’m accustomed to the pain.
I tried the scheduling of medications and treatments I wrote about in a previous post. It worked – for 36 hours. The conclusion I reached is that I’m finished. No more new doctors, no more ER visits, no more trying new medications, and, no more taking medications that sustain my life.
Beginning tonight I began taking only pain management medication. Given the medications I was taking for very serious conditions I expect and hope this decision will have a direct impact on my longevity.
The house is quiet again. I’m back in my chair. Pain is constant and keeps me from thinking clearly. I have no answers. I have no purpose. Life has no meaning.
I rode BART into the City for work. The hours flew by. Cherie and I would take a break to walk over to the small but good sushi restaurant to pick-up lunch. I usually ordered a spicy tuna bowl with extra spicy sauce. We always brought lunch back to the office and ate at our desks. Cherie and I met many years ago at a different company. We stayed together through several jobs; our relationship lasted longer than most marriages. I miss you Cherie.
I’m back in my chair feeling very sad. It hardly seems my life was once so different and better. I’m tired but there is no rest, just pain, throbbing sharp stabbing pain.
I’m giving-up Facebook – again. Last night a woman in the community went off on me because of my address. She was an ass. I fell into the trap & got too involved. Before I knew what had happened I was in agony. I decided the best thing for me to do was retreat to a platform I could manage. This Blog is my safe space on the Internet.